Some Thoughts.

dad, i wonder how you’re doing up in heaven… i know u always make the best out of every situation, so i’m not that worried about you. besides, heaven is supposed to be the best place a man can possibly reside in, right? so i really shouldn’t have to worry about u.

but i think about u all the time. i miss u so much.

it suddenly dawned on me that u weren’t such a bad father after all. true, u weren’t a man of many words, at least not to me. (i used to wish he made the effort to talk to me) but you know what? fuck that, your actions taught (and is still teaching) me so much more about life. and u weren’t that good with your words anyway.

i was just lying on my bed (thanks for getting me a queen-sized, the extra space rocks) and i thought about what u said before. “look, i’ve been observing u, and u haven’t proven anything to me, so there’s no way i can give u this.” (i asked for permission to accept the university’s offer and go to uk to read medicine)

it took me 2 years to finally understand, but i’m glad i now do. sometimes, i am simply not as good as i think/proclaim to be. it takes a third party who cares enough about me to watch my back. it takes even more to have the courage to tell me off when i’m wrong, especially since it broke your heart.

i’m surprised that even though u weren’t always around (i hated u for that), u knew everything about me. you also knew you weren’t good with words, but you wanted to help me become a better man so u did the next best thing; you made sure u always chose the right time to holler at me. and timing is everything.

thanks for teaching me that i suck at promises. i promised more than i delivered, and it disappointed you. i hope u can see (from heaven) that i’ve improved, and it is now my personal mantra to under-promise and over-deliver.

thank you also for demonstrating the value in being prudent with money. this lesson in managing finances is probably one of the most impt u’ve ever taught me.

i used to think u were an idiot for being a cheapskate to yourself. i always wondered why u took the bus and train to get to the airport when there are cabs. why go through all that trouble and tire yourself when u have a flight to pilot? people’s lives were in your hands. (he always had things under control, so don’t worry SIA is a safe airline)
sigh… dad, i knew u worked hard for our family because you love us. i just wish u took better care of yourself and lived longer so you could continue bothering me with your bullshit.

i wish u were still around so i could learn more from u.

i get the feeling that mum blamed herself for not being able to convince u to quit smoking. i convinced her that it wasn’t her fault; after all, it was your choice of lifestyle, your escape; the sole indulgence you allowed yourself even though you knew it was harmful to your body. i told her we should respect your choice to smoke (and kill yourself) because you are an adult and adults are capable of making informed decisions.

mum misses u so much. but don’t worry, we are taking good care of her and she’s alot better now.

fuck, it would have been nice to be able to spend one more birthday with you.